A Sad Soul

My soul had been broken down. My body felt lifeless. Useless. It was void of any joy. Depression had taken its place. It nestled in comfortably, like my mind always had the perfect place for it. Years of drinking and addiction had left the rest of me withered and sad. My own reflection in the dirty mirror in my one bedroom apartment scoffed in disgust as the black bags under my eyes strolled down to my cheeks. I had to get some sleep; I knew that. But I couldn't do that on this day. I had some very important stops to make. The mail hadn't come yet. I needed it to so I could try and reach the small light in the distance. A reason to keep a loosening grip on my sanity.

In my younger days I had a way with girls. They had a way with me too. Now I am a man, and they are women. They turn away with repulsion. It usually comes with a snort of derision. All I did was smile at them. How could such beautiful creatures be so cruel? That's what they are. Beautiful. All of them in their own way. Some men, I would call them boys, do not see the beauty in the overweight, under privileged, and under pretty. Simple children that have the best toys, but are still shopping for the newer version.

It was January 2nd, 2015. Eight days after another lonely Christmas. I try to not let the many holidays that purpose togetherness get to me. My ex-wife, who I still love dearly, had moved to another city with her new husband. It's been four years since the divorce, three years of hoping she'd come back to me, and I'm still not over it. Our daughter, eighteen now, wasn't speaking to me anymore. We had her in grade twelve so I happily dropped out and got a job. I'll never forget her smile, it is stuck in the farthest forward point of my brain, always in my eyes. Her good soul is visible through it. I like to think that I must be sad so she can be happy. She moved across the country to go to school. I couldn't be more proud of her.

Though it is a painful memory, her eleventh birthday always stuck in my head, revealing her strange distaste for me. Even still to this day, I'm not entirely sure why she had always acted this way. Never listening to my opinions or accepting me as a guide for anything. I worked very hard to give her anything she wanted, everything I didn't have. But to her, it was all unacceptable, including my love. My wife and daughter drifted farther away, I found comfort in the numb mind of a drunk. Eventually I lost my job and was left with bills and a new addiction on top of the cigarettes.

I stood out front of my apartment building, anxiously awaiting the arrival of my daughter. The red car finally came down the street towards me. My ex-wife and soon to to be husband pulled up to the curb. I took a few steps towards them, but my ex motioned one minute before turning to our daughter in the back seat. The window on the passenger side was open enough for me to hear the words.

“But I don't want to” my daughter said.

“It's only for a couple hours” my ex replied.

“Can't I just come home with you and Jeff?” my daughter asked. I sighed and took the rest of the steps to the car, knocking on the window. It was rolled down half way.

“Hi sweetie” I smiled, hiding the hurt.

“Hi” she said quickly.

“Look...” I replied. “It's okay if you go home with mom”

“Okay” she said without thinking twice,

“Just come up for five minutes so I can give you your present” I replied. She looked at her mom.

“Go on” she said. “We'll wait here”

My daughter and I walked up the stairs. She stood in the kitchen area, near the door. I picked up the wrapped gift and handed it over to her. She ripped open the paper and sighed. I had spent over an hour browsing through things to buy, trying to pick the perfect one. It seemed so hard to me. But then I found just the right thing. I knew she would like it. I had heard her mention something about it a month previous. I thought we could do it together.

“Jeff already got me this” she said, handing back the plastic case of bracelet beads.

“Oh, uh...I'm sorry, sweetheart” I replied. “I didn't know. I'll take it back and get a different one”

“Okay” she said. “Can I go now?”

“Sure you can” I replied, putting the present on the table. I walked back downstairs with her. She practically ran to the car.

“Did you give your dad a hug?” her mom asked. She dropped her head slightly then turned back, gave me quick, loose hug, and ran back to the car.

“I love you” I said as she got in. My ex turned the car back on. “Bye”. I waved, and they drove off. That was the last birthday I saw her on. I walked back up the four flights, it being no more silent then it had been before. When I reached the inside of my apartment, I went to the fridge, taking out the chocolate birthday cake and ate a slice.

Now though, the fridge was empty of all but a polystyrene take-out container and beer. I paced around, drinking one of the bottles, and picking at the dead Christmas tree that sat in the corner. I had forgotten to water it. Perhaps it was my subconscious telling I was hopelessly alone. I was sick of looking at it. It brought on more happy memories that broke my heart. Most of which are still hacking the bits to pieces. I threw up the window and punched out the screen, watching it fall the four stories into the dirty courtyard. It was followed by the empty beer bottle and the brown Christmas tree. It landed upside down, the brittle trunk snapping on impact.

The floor was now covered with thousands of pine needles. I had to use the broom since my small vacuum had burned out. After repeating the task three times, I was still stepping on sharp, hard needles. I grabbed my shoes, bringing them to the pulled out futon. There was no sense in putting it up into a couch. They were starting to fall apart, adding to my deteriorating appeal. My toes were slightly curled in them. The shoes a size to small, the only, and affordable ones from the downtown thrift store.

I stood up to get another needed drink, only to take a step and trip on the untied laces. My arms buckled under my drunken weight. I hit my face on the floor. A pine needle had decided to stand on its end and get lodged in my bottom eyelid, just missing the eye itself. When I pulled it out, the hooked edge held on until it drew blood. I laid across the futon, my head spinning from the alcohol in my empty, hungry stomach. The time was 2:36 pm, the mail had to be there by now.

Sure enough, it was. Among the overdue notices was my welfare check. I headed off down the street to the local bank branch. The ATM was out of service so I had to go to the teller. I was burdened with getting the cute blond. As per usual, I got a disgusted look. I handed over my bank card, ID, and the check. Her disgust grew with me when she inspected the piece of paper.

“Here you are...sir” she said, sliding over my items.

“Thanks darling” I smiled. She just gave me an are you kidding me look.

There was only one place my too small shoes wanted to go. Towards the light. I still had some time to wait out before my weekly routine could begin. A couple double cheeseburgers and cigarettes kept me company before I headed to my destination. I strolled through the late evening, downtown atmosphere to the bar I frequent, Collar's. An appropriate name since the bartender had a tight choke chain on my heart. She was the owner's daughter. A gorgeous brunette named Mia. She was unattainable for me. However, she always welcomed me with a beautiful smile and a nice conversation for a lonely man. So still, I tried.

A year ago, I had arrived at a bad point in her life. The doors were locked. I could see her behind the bar through the window on the door. In need of some companionship, I knocked. She glanced up, wiping her face. I was greeted by the same beautiful smile, but it was slick with tears. She let me and I took my spot near the beer taps. I watched her reach for a glass, and then drop it when she turned. It smashed as it hit the floor, shattering. I hopped up, going around the bar to help pick up the pieces. Before I could get a single shard, Mia spun around, latching onto me. She cried into my chest. I just held her, hoping it relieved something in her.

“What's wrong?” I asked.

“It's my dad” she sobbed.

“What about him?” I asked.

“He died last night” she sobbed.

“I'm so sorry” I said, increasing my hold on her.

As the owner of a bar, her father had much to drink. Him and his friends, who I had seen and talked to on occasion, had continued their New Year's party into the next day. Her father drank himself into a coma, and then died of alcohol poisoning. I had never seen so many tears in such pretty eyes. I wanted to be there for her, someone she could trust. We sat in the bar alone while she fed me free beer, and I listened to her speak.

Now, a year later, she was desperate to keep the small legacy of her father alive. She resorted to dancing at the strip club down the street. I wished I could have given her money so she didn't have to do that. I tried to let her know I loved her, how much I cared, that she was my light. But she always stayed unattainable. The main reason being her boyfriend that I met on this night. I went into the bar for my needed alcohol intake. The usual five beers went in me, unfortunately there was no option for a nice conversation to come out. Mia seemed to be avoiding my presence. At one point, the other bartender poured one of my drinks.

The time had come for her shift at the strip club. I gathered up the things I took out of my pockets. Then I waited eagerly to walk her down the cold, dark street. But before Mia came out of the backroom, her boyfriend went in. Several minutes later, she came out crying, the guy behind her. He glared at me the whole time. She didn't even glance. I wasn't sure of what I had done. I wanted more with her, but I couldn't have it, so I settled for a meaningful friendship. I'm not sure what she thought it was. Just a patron maybe.

In confusion, I went outside to see her leave in a car. The usual routine was to walk with her, then wait outside of the club until her dance took place. I would watch only her, drink the needed amount of alcohol to be there, then walk with her back to her apartment. But this time, I walked into the cold wind through the parking lot by myself to my regular spot. Mia's boyfriend turned out to be a new bouncer at the club. He stood at the door, staring me down.

At 11:45 pm, I went to that door. The burly boyfriend loomed over me as I entered. He followed close behind, only stopping when I sat down. Normally one of the girls would bring my beer, this time he did. I didn't trust it, so I spilled it on the table, and asked for another. A girl brought me a new one. Still, I hesitantly drank it. I could feel the guys eyes on my back the whole time. Then finally, Mia came out. She stripped off her lingerie throughout out three songs. This act brings a hard to conceal tear to my eyes every time. The end of her dance came. She stood there cold, and naked, being gawked at by fifty or so repugnant men.

I stood up, the beer in my belly sloshing around. Mia left the stage quickly. When my drunk mind was sure I had all my belongings, I headed for the door. I left my glass on the bar at the back, and nodded at the bouncer on my way out the exit. He nodded back with a slight smirk. I thought nothing of it and finished leaving. The air had gotten a bit colder, only a couple degrees. I could sure feel it through my thin jacket. The stars high above me twinkled in my eyes as I waited for Mia to come out through the back door.

“Hey you” I heard growled. The door shut with a loud, metallic bang.

“Yeah?” I said, turning to Mia's boyfriend.

“Is there a reason your following my girlfriend?” he asked.

“Uh...” I replied.

“Well?” he said, raising his voice.

“I just, uh...usually walk her home” I replied.

“You think someone like you could get a woman like that?” he laughed.

“I...uh...I just” I stuttered.

“You just what?” he asked.

“I'm just a friend, I guess” I replied.

“She doesn't need anymore friends” he said.

“But I...” I got out.

“But nothing” he snapped. “I don't want you talking to her”

“Look” I said, putting up my hand. “I don't want any trouble. I just walk her home usually is all”

“Not anymore” he replied. The back door opened, Mia stepped out. She looked at me, and then at the back of her boyfriend.

“I told you to leave him alone” she said.

“Go to the car” he snapped at her. She looked down, seemingly in fear. I didn't like it.

“Hey, don't talk to her like that” I said.

“What did you just say to me?” he asked, his underdeveloped brain already boiling over.

“I'll leave her alone” I replied, trying to not be afraid. “Just...you shouldn't talk to such a beautiful girl like that”

“Who are you to tell me how to talk” he snapped. “I'll talk to my property however I want”. He took a step towards me.

“Please don't” Mia said, that fear still shadowing over her beautiful smile. It hurt my chest to see her eyes like that.

“Shut your mouth” he roared.

Before I could say another word, I was grabbed and thrown to the ground. The sharp ice over the freezing pavement scratched up my hands, and a part of my cheek. I got up as fast as I could. Mia was screaming at me to run away. But when I got enough composure to run, I bumped into two other bouncers. One pushed me back. I fell again, slipping on the ice, and hitting my head. It hazed me, leaving my body in slow moving action.

“No. Don't” Mia screamed.

“Shut up” the guy yelled, pushing her back.

I was beat down by the three large men while Mia screamed and cried for them to stop. Her pleas got quieter with each blow. I tried to curl up into the fetal position to protect my body, but the weight of each hit made it very difficult. When they finally ceased, I rolled over to my back, trying to gasp in a breath of air. My lungs ached. I'm fairly certain I had a cracked rib, let alone what else. Mia was pulled out of sight. The blood from my split forehead pooled into my eyes. Bellowing laughter could be heard until the door shut. I picked myself up onto my shaky legs knowing this year wasn't going to be better than the last.